As a child, I was extremely outgoing. I loved making people laugh and I loved being the center of attention. That changed, however, when I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I became quiet. I turned inward. I focused on my schoolwork, wanted little attention and developed a severe eating disorder. 

I hated the person that did this to me but didn’t have the voice, the confidence, or the understanding to say anything.

Looking back, I can see the assault as well as the grooming process clearly. The man’s conversations with me grew more and more inappropriate until sexual harassment turned to sexual assault. He told me not to tell anyone and threatened and manipulated me so that I wouldn’t.

And I didn’t. For 10 years.

I kept my assault pushed deep down in my heart until, one day, I listened as a husband and wife talked about a moment in their marriage where the wife opened up to him about a sexual experience she had and the husband started crying. She said, “Why are you crying?” and he replied, “Because what you just described is textbook sexual assault.” I was confused. This woman seemed intelligent and engaged. “How could she miss something so basic?”, I thought.

So, I looked up the definition of sexual assault and here’s what it said (paraphrased):

Sexual assault is any actual, attempted or threatened sexual act without the person’s consent. This can include, but is not limited to, penetration, touching, and/or exposure. 

I read the definition and it was like some door deep in my heart opened up and all the memories behind it flooded my brain and my heart. In that moment, I realized that I, too, was a victim of sexual assault.

Like many victims, I immediately took a shower to try to clean the filth from my body but I would later find that it was my mind that needed the healing most.

I had little knowledge or tools on what to do next so I read a couple books and told a few friends and felt that I resolved it to the best of my ability.

Fast forward some years later and I started working with a group of often sexually inappropriate men. In the past, I dealt with this by avoiding or ignoring which had previously worked but, this time, it didn’t. I worked closely with these men and I was the only woman on my team. Anytime I had to speak up to them my neck would get hot and I’d tear up because they were a trigger for me. I later found that the heat in my neck was my body’s reflection of how I struggled to use my voice. These were all bodily trauma responses to my brain feeling unsafe.

One day, I had conflict with one of the men and I burst into tears trying to explain my side. It was upsetting for me that I couldn’t control the emotion in a professional setting. Even though I was away from my perpetrator, the trauma of sexual assault was still affecting my life.

I started going to counseling and did work specifically around my sexual assault. Along my healing journey, I have realized how much my sexual assault has negatively affected my view of people (men and women), sex, God and myself. The more I heal, the more I reclaim those parts of my life.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault (or domestic violence), please contact the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Center in Murfreesboro, TN. The people there are caring and trauma informed. They want to serve and support you.

If you feel led, please share this post with others. Nearly every time I have shared my story, it has resonated with someone still seeking healing. Help others by making them aware and letting them know these services are available so that we can help bring healing to our community and our world.

Sexual Assault Crisis Line: 615-494-9262
Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 615-896-2012

-Ashley Woods, volunteer

You can follow more on Ashley’s healing journey on her blog Five is Fine