Trigger Warning: Domestic violence, sexual assault, child sexual assault
ABUSE
I was 14. My parents were furious with me as I had arrived home past curfew. They were strict regarding family rules, and I am sure were also worried when I didn’t make it home. I was too afraid and ashamed to tell them that I had just been raped.
I had gone to meet up with a boy my age named Jay that I had recently become interested in. I felt butterflies anytime he talked to me, and I thought he was so cute! When Jay invited me to his cousin’s house, I was so excited. I, of course, said yes.
When I arrived, there were a few other guys there; his brother, his cousin, and a friend. They were much older than me and Jay. I began to get uncomfortable seeing the looks on their faces and their body language.
The four of them took turns raping me.
Jay’s cousin threatened that if I told anyone he’d kill me. He walked me home holding a brick to my head to reinforce his threats.
I was ridden with shame, guilt, fear, confusion, anger, and brokenness. And I couldn’t tell anyone. I began to defy all rules set by my parents and the school. I needed to feel control, and I was desperately trying to forget what had happened to me. I thought that if I found a boyfriend that would help ease the shame and pain.
I began having feelings for my brother’s friend, and he seemed to like me too. We started dating, and I felt he truly valued and loved me. I got pregnant, and he quickly broke up with me. I became a mother 2-weeks before my 16th birthday. He never came back, and I was devastated and afraid to become a single teen mother. I felt so rejected.
An old friend reached back out to me, Daren. I hardly recognized him it had been so long, and his young boy features had become like that of a man. Daren provided me encouragement during that time that meant so much. We started spending more and more time together, and our friendship quickly became a romantic relationship. He wanted to be with me all the time, which was flattering, but this meant I was no longer seeing friends or family. In the beginning, he made me feel safe, loved, and wanted.
It wasn’t long before he became controlling and jealous, then aggressive and abusive. The first physical incident happened after I had visited my sister and my (male) cousin who had just gotten home from the service. He was jealous and FURIOUS. He squeezed me so tight I could barely breath, then he bit my face. I was screaming, and he finally let go. After he calmed down, he promised that would never happen again.
The cycle continued. The emotional and physical abuse had diminished what was left of my mental health. I was pregnant again. I married him. He didn’t ask me, and he forced me to. I dare not question him or I’d be brutally beaten. I was trapped.
I stopped seeing my friends and family because I was too embarrassed. The abuse had become so normalized that there were even instances that he hit me around his own mother. On top of the abuse, he began gambling most of our money and was cheating on me. During my third pregnancy, the beatings were so bad that I feared my baby would be impacted. Thankfully my children all remained healthy, and he never laid a hand on any of them.
GETTING OUT
At my lowest, I clung to Faith. God became my safe space. Journaling helped me during this time as well. I started to feel the slightest regaining of strength. I would go to the community outreach center for information on emergency exit planning, but I told them that I was coming to get the information for a friend, not myself. I changed shifts at work to avoid him. I started saving money periodically in a way that he wouldn’t notice. I opened my own account but had my statements sent somewhere else. I was tired of arguing and fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. I finally realized my children and I deserved better.
After months and months of planning, I found an apartment and put a deposit down and promised the lady I’d be back. I had it all planned out, but I was scared. He was so controlling to the point that he’d call home by the time he got to work. He made sure that I had a list of things to do for him to keep me busy. The day before I left, I took the screws out of the kid’s beds and taped a sandwich bag on the back with the screws in it. He left for work, got there, and called like he usually does. Movers arrived 30 minutes later. I had the police on standby which never came in the past when I called. This time they did come – just in a nick of time.
I left with only our clothes and the children’s beds. He found out where we lived. There were a few scary incidents of him beating the door down, but he eventually gave up.
HEALING
After two years, I relocated and began counseling. I suffered from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and was seeing a therapist who helped me to face my fears and process my emotions related to the abuse. I was able to express how I felt about my abuser and about myself. Therapy helped me to learn how to love myself and to talk about my past without feeling sad and depressed. I started putting affirmations on sticky notes and placed them on my mirrors and recited them every morning and night until I actually began to believe the things that I was saying about me. The healing became greater once I was able to talk about it, forgive him and forgive myself. I blamed myself for everything that happened to me, but I realized and accepted that it was not my fault.
I was able to write about my abuse and healing in “Blessed not Broken: The Journey to Healing,” and I became a Visionary Author for an anthology titled, “I Did It! Teen Mom… Parent Success.” I now help women redefine the true integration of beauty beyond their trauma as the CEO/Founder of Beautifully Integrated with Love, LLC and Self Love Redefined as a Transitional Support Coach.
Hope and Healing is possible!
About sexual assault and domestic violence survivor, Wendy Rhodes.
Wendy Rhodes is a #1 best seller and international bestselling author. She is motivational speaker, a nurse, self-esteem mentor, advocate for domestic violence, sexual assault, and teen pregnancy, is the CEO and Founder of Beautifully Integrated with Love LLC and Transitional Support Coach with Self Love Redefined. She may be contacted at her website or by email at selfloveredefined@gmail.com
