There are MANY myths and misconceptions surrounding the issue of domestic violence, sometimes referred to as relationship violence, intimate partner violence, or spousal abuse. Some of the most common myths even the most experienced advocate may have at one point in their life thought to be true.

The fact is domestic violence is a crisis that affects all of us and has devastating and long-lasting impacts. Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating.

The frequency and severity of domestic violence/abuse can vary dramatically. It is not always easy to determine in the early stages if one person will become abusive.

Check out some of these very common myths, and the truth behind them;

DOMESTIC ABUSE IS A “PHYSICAL ASSAULT” (pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, or other bodily injury)

Because coverage of domestic violence overwhelmingly focuses on physical abuse — think of the photos, the police reports, the restraining orders — many people have difficulty self-identifying as victims of its verbal and emotional forms. Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. Domestic abuse can be defined as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behavior, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online/digital abuse.

Learn the subtle signs of emotional abuse.

MEN ARE THE ONLY ABUSERS AND CANNOT BE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 7 men in the United States have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner, and 29 percent of heterosexual men have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner. For gay men, “the lifetime prevalence of severe physical violence by an intimate partner (e.g., hit with fist or something hard, slammed against something, or beaten)” was 16.4 percent, the CDC says .

Currently, statistics show that around 85% of domestic violence victims are women, and 95% of perpetrators are men. However, it is important to note that domestic violence is severely underreported, particularly instances that involves male victims. The language and thinking around this issue (“battered woman syndrome,” for instance) are extraordinarily gendered. Domestic violence can and does occur in all types of relationships, and anyone can be a victim.

IF THE ABUSE WAS “THAT BAD” THEY WOULD JUST LEAVE.

This is one of the most destructive myths because it diminishes the severity of the abuse and implies that the victim must be comfortable with it. Victims stay in relationships for many reasons, including fear of the abuser (who often threatens harm if they do leave), lack of money, worry about children or pets, and lack of transportation or housing.

Victims leave and return to a relationship an average of seven times before they leave for good — or are killed. Departure is the most dangerous moment for a victim because the abuser suddenly faces a loss of control and may lash out.

Learn more about “Why don’t they just leave?”

THE ABUSER JUST “SNAPPED” OR LASHED OUT BECAUSE OF UNCONTROLLED ANGER.

Some people think domestic abuse is a tantrum run amok. But domestic violence is not about anger management or an inability to handle stress. Abuse almost always recurs in a cycle, according to Psychology Today, one that’s based largely on demonstrating control.

Typically, their violence is targeted at certain people at certain times and places. Abusers generally do not attack their bosses or people on the streets, no matter how angry they may be. They often choose to abuse their partner or family member only in private or may take steps to ensure that they do not leave visible evidence of the abuse. Abusers tend to choose their tactics strategically according to what is the most effective way to gain power and control. Perpetrators of domestic abuse often show the ability to control their anger by becoming very calm and reasonable when explaining the abusive incident to others such as law enforcement.

DOMESTIC ABUSE IS A CRIME OF THE POOR OR UNEDUCATED.

Many folks think that a woman that has great education and training and a great job is not susceptible to this kind of abuse by men, or that domestic violence only affects poor, uneducated people. Lawyers, doctors, and professors do not beat their partners and children.

In truth, domestic abuse is what might be called an ecumenical crime, with no regard for age, ethnicity, financial status, or educational background. The problem is learned behavior, not pedigree. Abusers carefully control their actions, choosing who and when to abuse; they don’t, for instance, beat up their bosses. Some label it a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality — violent at home, charming and thoughtful everywhere else.

Most previously recorded data may be skewed because they often come from public assistance agencies, city hospitals, police departments, and social services agencies. Since middle and upper-class people often have other options open to them, they are less likely to seek assistance from such public agencies.

There are many more myths and misconceptions associated with domestic violence such as drugs and alcohol cause abuse, or abusers have mental health issues, or even that many partners provoke the abuse. All of these are simply untrue and factually inaccurate.

Victims of domestic violence need to be believed and supported, not blamed.